I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
