I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
