i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
MIDGETS
????
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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