the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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