If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
