i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Floor bacon is actually really good
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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