Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
