Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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