He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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