I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
