I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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