There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
