I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
