He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
