There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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