She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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