Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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