matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
