Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is her dick bigger than yours?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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