This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
