dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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