watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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