I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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