Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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