did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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