I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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