i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
