I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
