i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
