The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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