my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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