He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
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Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
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you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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