I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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