if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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