Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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