He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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