Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
