is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
