i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
