I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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