im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
