Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Let's get the cat blown out
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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