and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
