2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
