my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The feeling are messing with the penis
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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