This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
