I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
As shirtless as possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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