Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
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yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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