i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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