Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
