you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
