it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
