Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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