After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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