I'm passing your future prison.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
