i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
