Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
