I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
