Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
