Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
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Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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